I'm fairly certain I used to be a much nicer, or at least, less cynical person. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Literally.
Example the first: I absolutely hated the movie "Knocked Up". Hate doesn't even begin to describe it. Loathing. Loathing is better. It implies some sort of retching action when the title is spoken. Rolling Stone loved it. A lot of people did. If you're one of those people, please, don't try to explain the movie's subtle comic genius to me. I'm not judging you, or your taste in film (
Yes, I am. I really am). It was utter crap. I actually felt physically nauseous while watching. I get the premise of the movie, I truly do. It's just that if I had directed it, it would have been about 20 minutes long, and Katherine Heigl's character would have had a long and fulfilling life sans accidental conception. For me, the peak comedic moment of the movie was the look on my mother's face when I started screaming at the screen, "No, Katherine Heigl! You have options! This isn't the 1800s!" Hell, even in the 1800s, there were better options than the idiot man-child she tries to have a relationship with.
Example the second: It's flu and cold season. I understand everybody is getting ill at this time of year. I, for example, have had norovirus, and one bout of the flu this winter. There is no better weight-loss plan. I'm planning on licking the railings before bathing suit season, just to get rid of those last few stubborn pounds. But I digress.
Here's the key: I stayed home from work whilst battling my illnesses. I did not:
1) come to work, and
2) not do my job, and
3) bitch about how terrible I was feeling to anyone foolish enough to wander near, and
4) (here's the best part) I didn't spread filthy germs everywhere by coughing without covering my mouth, and I didn't make everybody around me want to strangle me because of my persistent, seal (the playful aquatic mammal, not the singer married to Heidi Klum) noises every 10 seconds!
5) I also didn't leave the work bathroom in a "Biohazard - Level 4" state.
6) I swear. That was the other guy. Honest.
Example the third: I am hoping that this was just a temporary psychotic break induced by the wildly variable temperature fluctuations experienced in this region (0 degrees, minus 40 degrees, 0 degrees; Chinook and repeat). But when it's cold, and people seem to take forever behind my car, so I can't pull out of the parking lot and go home... I just want to ram them. And blame it on the road conditions. Is that wrong? I mean, is it very, very wrong, or just a little wrong?
