And then, she decided to bake....

I really don't know what came over me. Watching too many classic 1950s horror movies, perhaps. With the women, in their cute aprons and overly did hair... And their knives...

Regardless of the reasons, I decided that 11:00 pm was a great time to "whip up a batch of muffins". Something "healthy". Something "delicious". Something that would get rid of all the leftover crap that's about to go bad anyway.
Didn't have any white flour. "Not a problem!" The self-proclaimed master baker chirps optimistically. "'Cause we got brown flour." "Who says we can't do this? Nobody, that's who!" I added equal amounts of brown flour. (MASTER BAKER TIP #1: NEVER EVER EVER ADD EQUAL AMOUNTS OF BROWN FLOUR TO SUBSTITUTE FOR WHITE FLOUR).
"Wow... heh heh... That's looking... a little dry... Oh well, I'll just add more orange juice."
(We're out of orange juice) "Hey, look at that! We're out of orange juice! But we have a lemon and some Orangina... I wonder...." (MASTER BAKER TIP #2: NEVER EVER EVER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SUBSTITUTE AN OLD LEMON AND FLAT ORANGINA WHEN THE RECIPE CALLS FOR ORANGE JUICE).
"Frozen cranberries? Well, I don't have those. Darn. Oh, but I do have... Frozen blueberries from 2006! They're frozen though, so I'm sure they'll be okay." (At this point the back of my brain, the lucid part that often watches the dominant part in horror and disbelief, is screaming about the various power outages we've experienced since that time. I ignore this. For science. And baked goods.) (MASTER BAKER TIP #3: IF IT EXPIRED MORE THAN 2 YEARS AGO, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TOSS IT OUT. SERIOUSLY.)
Anyway, you get the idea. The situation kept escalating until baking these friggin' muffins was like Iraq and I was like Dubya going, "What the hell happened? Better pin this on somebody..."
I mean, it's after midnight now, the frigging loaf (because it turns out we don't have a muffin tin) has been in the oven for half an hour, and it's not frigging cooking! I've got flour EVERYWHERE (Like, everywhere. Serious.), I've got dried egg goo on my face, the kitchen floor is totally slippery from all the frigging oil that's all over it... There's not any oil in the recipe!!! What the hell did I even have it out for? And for what? For what?
So I wouldn't have to buy a muffin from the hospital cafeteria for breakfast.
Sniff.
So it was worth it. Oh hell, is that smoke?
I gots to go.