I think the job is getting to me....

I'm starting to wonder if my heterosexuality is becoming increasingly based on the knowledge that men:
1) Will generally not scream incessantly whilst in labor (I'm totally not discounting the need to scream, I just like that I will likely never listen to a guy doing this)
2) Don't have uteruses
3) Don't grow placentas
4) Usually don't even know what a placenta is
5) Also don't know what meconium is
6) Don't ask me what meconium is

I think I'm going to quit and join the fire department. I'm pretty sure my crippling fear of fire will make me extra good at the job.

Oh bloggity blog, how I love thee...

Also, big shout out to Schmutzie (Whoot!), who let me know I am being featured on Five Star Fridays. Because I'm delightful.
There was an odd conflict of emotions; I was incredibly pleased (and a bit puzzled), until the panic set in.
"Oh crap. What exactly did I write about people?"
Then came rational brain to talk me off the ledge. (Oh, by the way, this was all within about a 30 second period, because I'm so in touch with my emotions. We're tight. They call me, let me know how they're doing, if we should be crying, stuff like that). Anyway, I realized that even if the people concerned were to read this, their grasp of technology is somewhat tenuous at best, so I really shouldn't be worried.

To explain, my people are generally not a technology "friendly" people. I don't have a cell phone because I fully believe it to be an intelligent being from another planet. Think how many homes they've infiltrated already. If I let a cell phone into my house, it will slowly turn all the other appliances against me, until I'm reenacting 2001: A Space Odyssey.
"Work, you god-forsaken machine! I want my coffee! I neeeeed my coffee!"
"I can't let you do that, Dave."
"AAaaarrrggghhh!!"

I still think fondly back to the day my father got a Blackberry. My phone rang, and I answered.
"Hello?"
"Hello? Hello? I don't know if it's working (said to someone else). Maybe if I (phone hangs up)."
5 minutes later.
Ring.
"Hello? Dad, is that you?"
"Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? (click)"
Repeat 30 times. It was hysterical.

When my uncle was learning how to use a laptop, the helper paperclip popped up and startled him so much he shuffleboarded the laptop clear across the room. It was okay, though, it was insured by his company. The first time.

Thankfully, books remain an accessible technology for us, so we've been able to remain fairly hip and with it, or whatever the kids are saying these days. Nifty keen. Neato. Delightful! Addendum!

Stealth Underpants!!!

In my mind, there is no more joyous start to the holiday season than a good underwear fight with your room mate. Especially if your room mate is a very attractive woman (they have the best underwear).

The cat's making eat-y lip-smacky noises.
It's really disgusting.

Breaking news on the health front...

I think I have Seasonal Bipolar Disorder. Not Seasonal Affective Disorder (Because I'm a terrible person, I find this acronym strangely hilarious... Because there's no need to rub it in. You already feel bad enough, but to have to say, "I have SAD", like you're some depressed lolcat).
No, I'm sure I have Seasonal Bipolar Disorder, a previously unclassified disease (dibs mine mine I want the book deal I want it all!). It's an insidious disorder affecting billions this time of year (or maybe I just don't want to be the only one). Characteristics are as follows:
- Subject may have a tendency to burst into carolling at completely inappropriate times (i.e. job review. Or important business meeting. Hypothetically.)
- Within minutes, same subject may be found weeping hysterically at their computer, having just read a heartwrenching story about a Christmas kitten with no shiny bow around its neck and no home (oh God it's so saaaaaaadddd!!! BWAAAaaaAAAA........ sniff).
- Later that day, subject may be found rifling through fridge for the leftover desserts from the previous day's staff party, shovelling goodies into their mouth at an impressive rate. (To obesity, and beyond!).
- Subject will then feel fat. And rather ill (note: the human body is just not meant to consume that many nanaimo bars).
- Subject will then go to the computer again for a good cry, whereupon subject will realize that it is now 5:00 and subject can go home.
- Subject will go home and watch "Elf" starring Will Ferrell. Subject will start to feel optimistic about the holidays again.
- Subject will repeat this cycle the following day.

Help me. Please help me. I... I don't want to eat nanaimo bars anymore... I think I may want salad. But I don't know how.
Um... Also... if you want to give generously to help me end Seasonal Bipolar Disorder, that would be fine. I would be okay with that. I think the treatment centre is in Bermuda. It will be grueling and tough but I know with your donations and support I can beat this thing. Cheques are fine.

"When your only tool is a throat punch, all problems look like throats."

My brother is a wise, wise man. I've been a bit easily frustrated lately, and perhaps my verbal descriptions of how I would solve certain connundrums (i.e. "He is such a tool. I just want to throat punch him until he begs for mercy." "What a crap thing to do! You should totally throat punch him." "Decaf?!? Ooooh, some lucky Starbucks employee is gonna get a throat punch.")
has taken a turn for the repetitive.
It's hard to say for sure, at this point in time.
I feel like there should be more to write, seeing as it has been a shockingly long while since my last post, but I guess this is what Vancouver does to people. You just... kind of... get really... really... relaxed about stuff. So perhaps just a point form summary will suffice.

October
- Toaster fire.
- New toaster.
- .... Um.... oh! Went back home for a visit! No throat punches.
- Found an antique store that is like stepping into one of Guillermo del Toro's movies. Words cannot describe. How utterly fantastic. It is.
- Dad in hospital. Fine now. If he was a horse we would have shot him.
- Work got better, then worse, then better again.
- Started volunteering with Special Olympics. (I really have to break the point form format for just a moment to talk about this. First, I feel absolutely privileged to work with such a wonderful group of individuals. I haven't laughed so much from sheer joy since I was a little girl. Also, I am now an assistant coach for rhythmic gymnastics. Anyone who has seen me effortlessly trip over my own feet and fall headfirst down the stairs will appreciate the irony of this.)
- The 900 year old cat I live with snores. Why can I never get away from the hairy snorers!?!

November
- Old microwave, or as I refer to it, "The Ovary Nuker 3000" finally dies.
- New microwave. Remaining ovary breathes a sigh of relief.
- Joined band. Am officially "cool".
- Found new meaning in work, and potentially a way to make a huge fantastically wonderful difference for many many people.... If I get the go-ahead on my top secret idea. Pending.
- Big brother visit!
- Found enlightenment.
- Lost enlightenment.
- Cleaned apartment. Still can't find enlightenment. May have recycled it. Damn.
- Cat still snores. Loudly.

Stay tuned!

You would be surprised at the looks you get...

When you're buying a new toaster and a fire extinguisher. Yeah, like they've never had a toast fire.