I think I have Seasonal Bipolar Disorder. Not Seasonal Affective Disorder (Because I'm a terrible person, I find this acronym strangely hilarious... Because there's no need to rub it in. You already feel bad enough, but to have to say, "I have SAD", like you're some depressed lolcat).
No, I'm sure I have Seasonal Bipolar Disorder, a previously unclassified disease (
dibs mine mine I want the book deal I want it all!). It's an insidious disorder affecting billions this time of year (
or maybe I just don't want to be the only one). Characteristics are as follows:
- Subject may have a tendency to burst into carolling at completely inappropriate times (
i.e. job review. Or important business meeting. Hypothetically.)
- Within minutes, same subject may be found weeping hysterically at their computer, having just read a heartwrenching story about a Christmas kitten with no shiny bow around its neck and no home (
oh God it's so saaaaaaadddd!!! BWAAAaaaAAAA........ sniff).
- Later that day, subject may be found rifling through fridge for the leftover desserts from the previous day's staff party, shovelling goodies into their mouth at an impressive rate. (
To obesity, and beyond!).
- Subject will then feel fat. And rather ill (
note: the human body is just not meant to consume that many nanaimo bars).
- Subject will then go to the computer again for a good cry, whereupon subject will realize that it is now 5:00 and subject can go home.
- Subject will go home and watch "Elf" starring Will Ferrell. Subject will start to feel optimistic about the holidays again.
- Subject will repeat this cycle the following day.
Help me. Please help me. I... I don't want to eat nanaimo bars anymore... I think I may want salad. But I don't know how.
Um... Also... if you want to give generously to help me end Seasonal Bipolar Disorder, that would be fine. I would be okay with that. I think the treatment centre is in Bermuda. It will be grueling and tough but I know with your donations and support I can beat this thing. Cheques are fine.
