Ahoy there, Admiral Happy Pants!
Pax reporting on this late-breaking news story... "Good evening, and welcome to WGAF news. This is Pax reporting on a potentially earth-shattering, pant-splittingly exciting news story. It is bigger than The DaVinci Code. It is better than Tom Cruise's Sofagate. It can safely be described as eclipsing the disturbing actions of this reporter's neighbourhood squirrels. I am speaking, ladies and gentlemen, of the rarest of events in these parts as of late. Admiral Grumpy Pants had shed his cocoon of surliness and blossomed into a beautiful butterfly of civility and, dare I say? happiness. Stay tuned for further updates. And now a word from our sponsor..." Admiral Happy Pants, you know I love to see that smile. Keep it up, soldier. In order to recover from that intimate (and probably disturbing) segment, I would now like to discuss squirrels. The grandeur of spring is exploding in all its showy-offiness in my neighbourhood. Apparently, the breath-taking beauty of cherry blossom trees is too much for the fragile psyche of the wee squirrels in the surrounding area. I say this because every single freakin' time for the last two weeks that I have driven anywhere, a squirrel will inevitably wait at the side of the road and try to hurl itself under the wheels of an oncoming vehicle (mine, usually). Through the grace of God, and the fact that my mum had me take about a million defensive driving courses, I have not yet hit any of the furry buggers, but I think it's only a matter of time. I need suggestions. And finding a better carwash is not one of them, people. I was thinking about leaving acorns laced with Paxil around, but apparently that may increase the risk of suicidal behaviours in some adolescent squirrels. I have neither the time nor the financial stability to spend my time squeegeeing angst-ridden rodents off my vehicle. Please help me.